It has finally happened. The three novels that I have been writing on-line are all starting to converge.
In this novel, SWITCH!!, the story has a narrator named Gina Morrison, who is in the company of her friend Xandra, and the two women have just arrived in a kind of spooky redwood forest in northern California. They are just about to meet a healer in one of those redwood tree fairy rings -- where redwood tree sprouts grow in circles. It is a lovely setting and when I last left it, in Chapter Sixteen, I promised I would get back to it!
Well, so, now we are back to it. Or should I say, I am back to
sitting here, writing three books at least
one at a
TIME EXPLODED ALTOGETHER IN
I don't know whether I can WRITE THREE BOOKS ALL AT
2) SISTER MYSTERIES
ALL AT ONE
thing is the three share characters RENATA ANTONIE BEING TWO PRINCIPALS IN EACH
are you beginning
HAVE I BEGUN to confuse you yet
you will keep reading?
hard, no more please God please MARY PLEASE NO MORE! (I am not going back there anymore.)
I want to celebrate my writing, I want to send it out into the world with joy and pride. It's taken so much out of me to be depressed about my writing it might actually be the reason I got sick with the lymphoma eleven years ago but that is another story I really don't want to tell, another hellish episode ]
MARY SAYS EVERY SINGLE THING IN MY LIFE MUST BE CELEBRATED IT ALL ADDS UP TO WHAT I'VE DONE I'VE USED THE LESSONS AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO GOOD BECAUSE OF THEM> OR IN SPITE OF THEM, IT IS IN HER WORDS NOT WASTED TIME.
"in my life.
"IN MY LIFE I'VE LOVED THEM ALL" THE BEATLES SPEAK TO ME
Mary says to me over and over that I must love my inner self, my "baby," she tells me repeatedly that I have to love and nurture my baby, pick her up, hold and comfort her, accept her feelings listen to them, dwell in them, accept and hold them near my heart, no matter if it's scary, no matter if she's sad and depressed, no matter if she's frightened or insecure, never abandon her no matter what feelings she brings to the forefront in me. Mary keeps telling me that is my main job in life, it is my first and only duty, my first and foremost and eternal job (SHE SAYS IF YOU DO THIS LOVING OF THE BABY YOU WILL GET DIVINE HELP AND SHE'S WRITE I MEAN RIGHT I HAVE HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF GETTING DIVINE HELP) my job is to pick up the baby, hold her and reassure her, let her feel what she feels, never turn away or abandon her.
This morning it hit me for the first time: my first novel Dreaming Maples is all about mothers who abandon their babies! Candace, Eileen and even Lucy, Eileen's mother, who doesn't abandon or leave Eileen (I LEAN? I LEAN? I FALL I FALL?), not technically, not physically, except she does abandon EILEEN I LEAN emotionally, because Lucy is an old fashioned Italian woman who has no idea how to mother a modern young rebellious woman like I LEAN (EILEEN.)
Curious that just today, for the first time, I'm thinking about D MAPLES and all the time Mary has been telling me not to abandon or PUT DOWN my baby I never thought about Candace and Eileen and Lucy who put down who abandon their babies. ONLY AUDREY X, CANDACE"S PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER, SHE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO STANDS STRONG ALMOST A SACRED FIGURE A KIND OF GODDESS OF MOTHER NATURE AN ASPECT OF THE DIVINE FEMINE? Perhaps, in any case Audrey X DOESN'T ABANDON HER CHILDREN, ONLY HER HUSBAND.
In the end, the so-called NEW ENDING I WROTE AFTER THE REVISED VERSION I PRODUCED FOR THE SECOND AGENT, AFTER TALKING TO THE VIKING editor
IMPORTANTLY Eileen saves Candace AND Candace's baby (GRACE) and maybe that is/was me saving myself (or the aspect of my psyche I am calling Baby C) and my art, my inner life, my art, my writing, I used to call my writing my fourth child, it's so hard to have your child rejected by the world, I must I LEAN I LEAN OVER THE BABY AND I MUST SAY TO THE BABY, it's OK THE WORLD MAY REJECT YOU, THE PUBLISHERS MAY REJECT YOU THE PUBLISHERS MAY PUT DOWN THE BABY MAY BE BUT I LOVE YOU ANYWAY I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT!
Is that it, is that what I need to do, to find freedom must I love and "feed" and nurture my baby my art no matter what, no matter that the publishers will have none of me or it I sit here with my shoulders aching and my head and my back. AYGH.
I want so much to write. I want to feel as though my writing matters, that I can make art/writing that people read, I want to be inspired the way I used to be when I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. In those days I felt genuinely hopeful that the world would receive and read...sigh.
Then when I published the second novel, SEEING RED, I began to see I began to dread I began I could not sell many books and then I WENT KIND OF DEAD INSIDE. MARY SAYS I HAVE TO CELEBRATE MY INNER SELF, I CANNOT LET THE OUTER COMMERICAL WORLD DICTATE MY ART.
Dear Mary, I still need help with this. I really need guidance. I know what you will say, embrace it face it with love love love love love your self enough to STAND UP FOR YOUR BABY YOUR ART
A I am writing this I am thinking/singing the Beatles:
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
And then I sing the other song:
"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, whisper words of freedom/wisdom, let it be, let it be. Let it be LET IT BE (LET ME BE ME A WRITER) or let it be oh let it be, Whisper words of
(How do I encourage to myself?)
WHISPER WORDS OF FREEDOM HOW TO FREE THE NUN HOW TO FREE ME FREEING RENATA I AM FREEING MYSELF, SISTER MYSERIES SISTER MYSTERIES is all about me freeing this nun in 1883 and me freeing me in 2013. ONLY 130 years separates us, HA!
SO SUZANNE, THANKS FOR LETTING ME RAMBLE VENT ON THIS WAY SUZANNE I WOULD BE HAPPY IF SOME DAY YOU WROTE BACK AND RAMBLED ABOUT YOUR WRITING TO ME!! :)
Have a happy day it's beautiful and blue out, a powerful blue, the color of the VIRGIN MARY'S veil.